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 Changing Who You Are For Relationships

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Rhonda



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Join date : 2008-09-03

PostSubject: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:28 am

A friend of mine recently went through a very hard and painful divorce. Before he was married he was a musician, a very talented singer/song writer and actor production manager. The girl he fell in love with didn't understand or want the life of being the wife of a "starving artist".. so to speak.

My friend was in love, and wanted to marry, and make this girl happy, so he agreed to leave behind the work he loved.. his dreams and passion, change his life, get a "real job", and have a "normal" family. A very small sacrifice, he thought then, in order to be with this wonderful girl that he loved with all his heart, and wanted to please. After they were married, he found a new profession, worked hard to do his best in a very different world from what he had been used to, and settled into being the family man.


Later that year, the tears rolled down his face as he watched his wife give birth to their first child, a baby boy, and two years later a beautiful baby girl came. Several years floated by as he looked forward to every morning waking up beside his loving wife, seeing the faces of his two sweet children, and coming home each evening to their hugs and kisses, and listening to them tell him all about what they had done that day. On his off days, they took trips to the zoo, camped out at the lake, fed ducks at the park, and watched every Disney movie ever made. He built tree houses and doll houses, filled up sand boxes, put together new bicycles and swing sets, and tucked into bed each night, two happy, healthy, and very loved children. His life was full and he was content.. for the most part.... just those occasions when he lay in the darkness, unable to sleep, a deep aching and longing inside him, an emptiness that couldn't be filled, like an old familiar voice calling out to him, one that he would soon have to answer.

My friend wrestled with his uneasiness, and the empty feeling in his soul for several more years. His family.. his wife and children were his life.... he loved them with all his heart... but when the passions of your soul cannot mingle with the loves of your heart, it can eventually become a very hard decision to make. The occasional restlessness that he had fought with was becoming a daily struggle to maintain. His once peaceful dreams were now relentless, nagging nightmares, always there, always calling to him . He dug his heels in deeper,and warily forced himself to go to work each morning. The torturous hours dragging by, one by one, slower everyday, until he just couldn't do it anymore.

After the kids were in bed one night, he talked to his wife about an idea he had been thinking on. He wanted to open his own business, a small sandwich and coffee shop, where budding new musicians and actors could come perform and gather to share information and inspiration. It could be part time, in addition to his current job, until it proofed profitable, and hopefully someday could be his full time job. She reluctantly agreed, but warned him to remember what she had said before they were married. His heart was beating wildly with joy, though the warning did put a small damper on his rejoicing, he hugged and kissed his wife "thank you", and slept peacefully for the first time in a long time, with a whole new dream.


In a few weeks time he had a place rented, supplies on the way, and advertising in all the local papers and businesses. When he opened, the crowds were not large, but people were coming, and the entertainment was great. He was back in his element, the smile on his face was real now, his eyes bright and seeing the future again, and his starving soul was being nourished at last.

I won't go into great detail about what happened to my friend next. Just, that his wife was never happy after he opened his business, even though he tried diligently to please her, she left, taking their children, refusing him contact with them and eventually convincing a judge that my friend was not a good parent. The pain of missing his children has been devastating and his life has taken several turns since then. He tried staying close so he could maybe be allowed to visit his children, but was denied this. He did what he could to make things right, but for some it wasn't enough.

I received a message from him the other day saying he was selling everything he owned except for a few clothes, a lap top computer and a guitar, and was leaving the state. He had a few jobs lined out, but was for the most part just going to travel for a while. My reply to him is written below, and is actually the main subject content of this article, but I felt it necessary to share his story as an opener. My friend is a good person.... a gentle, caring, soft spoken, loving musician and talented song writer. He happened to have the misfortune of falling in love with someone who did not understand his need to retain at least a portion of that part of him in his life. In a most wicked twist of fate, in order to regain the passions of his soul, he lost the loves of his heart.

This was my reply to my friend...
My heart breaks for you and your children my good friend, for this most unfair and unjust treatment you have received at the hands of those that do not understand you. I think it very sad, that with all the dead beat fathers in this world, that just walk away from their children and never look back, that someone would deny their children a relationship with a father that truly wants to be their father.


It is also sad, that in order to maintain a marriage relationship, one person would require the other to stifle and let stagnate the growth of who they are. Isn't that what love really is all about... growing together... exploring and grasping for what is deep inside of us.. our inner most beings.. the essence of who we are.. and sharing it with each other... trusting enough to expose our fears and weaknesses,.. compensating and defending each other.. standing behind each other.. cheering for each other.. picking up each other if we fall... encouraging and allowing personal growth of our souls and attaining goals in the areas of our passions ? Or do I have it all wrong ?

My husband does not always understand the "writer" part of me.. which is who I have always been, but with the years of raising a family, and having a career, it was more in the background of who I was then. The death of my son, four years ago, was the breaking point in my life where I gave in totally to my passion for writing... I had to... for self healing.. other wise I was going to end up insane and/or chronically depressed.

I will say that my husband tries his best.. which is all I can ask of him.... to be supportive and allow me to spread my wings and fly.... when I feel the need to go higher and out of his comfort zone..... he waits for me. Even when he doesn't understand why I MUST sit here in front of this computer... dictionary and thesaurus by my side... for hours and sometimes days.... writing all these words...... when the house needs cleaning and there are no meals cooked for him.... he still waits for me... loves me and does his best to make me happy. I am thankful for him ! In return, I love him unconditionally. I give him my undivided attention when I am not writing. I cook his favorite meals, go places, and do things with him that he likes to do. This makes him happy.

I believe that relationships rely on a delicate balance of the heart's loves, and the soul's passions, between two people, an equal amount of give and take on both sides, tipping too far in either direction can result in damage and eventual destruction of the relationship ending with broken hearts and empty souls. Relationships are hard on the surface, but soften in the middle. Hearts are fragile on the outside, but strong and tough at the core. Passion of the soul is deep and solid all the way through. Because we are individuals, for most of us, finding this balance takes time and dedication, a lucky few fall right into it from the beginning, and some never find it at all.


I know you are busy, and have a lot on your mind today... so I won't keep you any longer, I just felt the need to respond to your message. I have the tendency to be a little "wordy" sometimes..... well all the time actually.... but especially when I am writing about what is passionate to my soul...... good people, little children and the freedom to express who we are and to be accepted and not judged for it... happens to be at the top of my passion list.

My good friend,.... may your new adventure lead you to where you need to be, to where you can freely be who you are, spread your wings and soar to new heights beyond your wildest dreams, and find the happiness and peace you deserve. God be with you every step of the way..... Your friend.
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PostSubject: Re: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:08 pm

that guy shouldn't have to go through that much crap...especially from that kind of person
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PostSubject: Re: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:26 am

I can certainly relate to this. How many times have I molded myself to fit into someone else's life or definition of who I should be. It is only as I get older, wiser and more secure in the Lord that I have realized how important it is to stay true to yourself and to who Christ created us to be.

I hope this man finds happiness....and I pray he will be able to have a relationship with his children. Love ya sis.
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PostSubject: Re: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:19 pm

he shouldn't have to put up with that
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PostSubject: Re: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:37 am

Life is certainly not fair. Christ didn't promise we wouldn't go through trials.....What he promised is that he would never leave us. :gcross:
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PostSubject: Re: Changing Who You Are For Relationships   Sat Oct 13, 2012 6:26 am

I could say I understand the guy's part, (no I have not had any relationship) but I can't have someone change the fact that I am a musician.
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