Ok ..funny emails here please...

Ah yes...there are all these great funny emails circulating...please post here and share...

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this...






"You got Male!"

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT
YOUR NEW NAME IS.

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

Please don't be a bore & ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know
including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness
to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days
than not.

Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it
to friends and family & co-worker S.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you


So they know you participated.



And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as
Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants
And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the
evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to
Determine your New first name:

A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
E = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = sloopy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dink y
Z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:

A = dippin
B = feather
C = B atty
D = burger
E = chicken
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your new last name:
A = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = head
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults
laugh an average of 4 times a day.


Put more laughter in your day.

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one!).

Now don't ch eat on this one, go with the first dessert you choose! !! Trust me....this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do,be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

ALSO, SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU

DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR DESSERT CHOICE IN THE SUBJECT BOX BEFORE YOU FORWARD IT.

Here are your choices:


1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

No!!! you can't change your mind once yo u scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be .............


OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what the research says about you...


SCROLL DOWN---



1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy , &articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.

6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside . Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times You have many loyal friends.

SEND TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS .... INCLUDING ME!

DON'T FORGET - PUT YOUR CHOICE OF DESSERT IN THE 'SUBJECT BOX' ABOVE BEFORE YOU FORWARD





=

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"


"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."


So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.



"Perhapth I should rephrase that.. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done .

Then forward thi s to all your friends ( including the person who sent it to you ) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.

1. Which one of the following describes th e perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c)Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 p ts.)
6. W hich one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts. )
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday ?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas(3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.) e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (3 pts)
e) Hollywood (2 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a ) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you.
Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely kno w how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy :
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You al ways know what's in and you're never out of style , you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your shar e of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the cl assic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, yo u fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker.. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a bril liant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject o f the email to what you are and send it on.

Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....




Can't eat chicken . bird flu




Can't eat eggs ..
Salmonella



Can't eat pork ..
fears of trichinosis...

Can't eat fish ..
heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat



Can't eat fruits and veggies .
insecticides and herbicides


Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Remember - - -
'STRESSED'
spelled backwards is
' DESSERTS '


Send this to four people
and you will lose 2 pounds.


Send this to everyone you know(or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message,
you will gain
10 pounds immediately!!!!!!!!)

Too funny!!

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!


SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!


HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.

I love to see you smile.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ..... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began t o eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..
(This is great)

**********

'THE TEETH.'

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or, If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.


1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation you are released first.


3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.


4. People call at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you???'


5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now won't wear out.


8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.


9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!

And

20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.






HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!!.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
> _________________________________________________________
> Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
> flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend
> 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such
as
> . Romance 9.5
> . Personal Attention 6.5
>
> and then installed undesirable programs such as
> . NBA 5.0,
> . NFL 3.0
> . Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the
> system.
> Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems,
> but to no avail.
>
> What can I do?
>
> Signed,
> Desperate
>
>
>
****************************************************************************

> *>
>
>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
>
> First, keep in mind,
> . Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
> . Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
>
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download
Tears
> 6..2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
> . If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
> automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0
> to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
> . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
> download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
>
> Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0
> (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control
of
> all your system resources.)
>
> In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend
5.0-program
> These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
>
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
> buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend
>
> . Cooking 3.0 and
> . Hot Lingerie 7.7.
>
> Good Luck!
>
> Tech Support