Ok ..funny emails here please...

THE GOOD NAPKINS
> >> >
> >> > The joys of having girls. My mother taught me to read when I was four
> >> >
> >> > years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and
> >> > noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the
> >> > cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the
> >> > bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me
> >> >
> >> > with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special
> >> > occasions' (her second mistake).
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks
> >> > are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had
> >> > assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
> >> > table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and
> >> > immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then
> >> > began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter... Then
> >> > came
> >> > Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting
> >> > on
> >> > the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with
> >> > the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail
> >> > in
> >> > so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used
> >> > these
> >> > and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of
> >> >
> >> > laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
> >> >
> >> > Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who
> >> > has a
> >> > daughter!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh
> >> > insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly.... and for heavens sake, use
> >> >
> >> > the good napkins whenever you can
> >> >
> >> > Have a blessed day!
> >> >
> >> >

Hope this touches you
the way it touched me .


GOODBYE MOM


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old
lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at
the checkout, and she
turned to him and said,

'I hope I haven't made you
feel ill at ease;

it's just that you look so
much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd
call out 'Good bye, Mom' as
I leave the store, it would
make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the
checkout, and as she was on
her way out of the store, the
man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved,
and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought
a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,'
said the clerk.

'How come so much ..
I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah,
but your Mother said
you'd be paying for
her things, too.'

'Don't trust little Old Ladies'!!!

PARENT Job Description This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. ** FOOTNOTE ** "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Never take life seriously .......
Nobody gets out alive anyway!

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.




You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'



You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.



You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'



You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.



You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.



You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.



You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.



You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.



You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.



You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.



If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.



God Bless the USA !



Keep the fire burning, redneck friend

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel.
[b]
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.[/b]

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
[b]
[/b][b]I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the[/b][b]glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
[/b][b]
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.[/b]
[b]
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)[/b] [b]who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.[/b]
[b]
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I rec eive the[/b][b]$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.[/b]

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
[b]
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant[/b][b]freaks with no eyes or feathers.[/b]
[b]
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water[/b] [b]buffalo on a hot day.
[/b][b]
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward[/b][b]an email to seven of my friends and make a wish[/b][b]within five minutes.[/b]

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

[b]
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.[/b]
[b]
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these[/b][b]products are atheists who refuse to put ' Under God '[/b] [b]on their cans[/b]
[b]
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.[/b]
[b]
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave[/b][b]anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.[/b]
[b]
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked[/b][b]with a needle infected with AIDS.[/b]
[b]
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.[/b]
[b]
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al[/b][b]Qaeda in disguise.[/b]
[b]
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.[/b]
[b]
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number[/b] [b]for which I will get a phone bill with calls to[/b] [b]Jamaica[/b][b], Uganda ,[/b][b]Singapore[/b][b]and Uzbekistan .[/b]
[b]
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.[/b]
[b]
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it[/b][b]bites my butt.[/b]
[b]
An d thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the[/b][b]parking lot because it probably was placed there by[/b][b]a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.[/b]

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
[i]
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late[/i]

::: BREAKING NEWS :::


In 2009 the government will start

deporting all the crazy people.


I started crying when I thought of you.


Run my little crazy friend, run!




Well, what can I say ??

Someone sent it to me,

and

I'm NOT going alone !!

Have a Nice Day!!!

I don't get the napkins

The Little Old Lady and the Atheist






There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'



One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

SMILE AND PASS THIS ON.




(I LOVE IT--- GOD IS SO GOOD)

Hey, here's how to balance the national budget!


"The Proposal"



When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers must find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well.





Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.


Our government should not be immune from similar risks.


Therefore:


Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members.


Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State).


Then, reduce their staff by 25%.



Accomplish this over the next 8 years


(two steps/two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.


Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:


$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.)


$97,175,000 for elimination of their staff. (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)


$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.


$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion/yr)


The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country!


We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.


Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)


Note:

Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.


Summary of opportunity:


$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.


$282,100, 000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.


$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.


$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.


$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.


$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.


$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings. (that's 8-BILLION just to start!)


Big business does these types of cuts all the time.


If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits, tax payers could save a bundle.


Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.


IF you are happy with how Congress spends our taxes, delete this message. Otherwise, then I assume you know what to do.

[size=16]How to give a cat medication


[/size]
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down..




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get family to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[b]How To Give A Dog A Pill.....[/b]

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.




That's what I like about a dog!!!